_Ureshisou ni Shinagara, Naka Nakunaku_ Author: Catsy (nekojita@ayashi.net) Content: songfic, shoujo-ai, angst Song: Vector Artist: Sakamoto Maaya -- Hands as delicate and pale as the fabric they held worked at the needle, embroidering that which simply could not be entrusted to the sewing machine. Tomoyo's lips pursed in concentration, the tip of her tongue protruding just slightly as she worked the stitch over and under. Over and under. It was painstaking, laborious work, work which could easily fetch yen in the six-digit range, if she chose to sell it. She would not be selling it. It was for Sakura. Tomoyo tried to remember exactly when it was that she realized she loved Sakura. There had to have been a point when it progressed from best friends, to childhood infatuation, to real romance. Or was it imperceptibly gradual, the way leaves shift to calico colors in the fall? All Tomoyo knew was that it simply /was/. That was good enough; had to be good enough. But it wasn't. Told myself for a long time Don't go there You will only be sorry Eriol had politely suggested to her at one point that she and Sakura--and for that matter, many romantic relationships between women--suffered from the regrettable Japanese notion that women weren't permitted to make the first move. That if one or the other of them didn't break free of that and do /something/, they weren't ever likely to. Of course, when Eriol suggested something it was never /im/polite, and Tomoyo recognized on one level that he was right. It made her wonder why he'd say such a thing, since it was clear that Eriol approved of Sakura and Syaoran as a couple. Told myself so many times I just had to take a look in those faraway eyes Of course, he was both right and wrong at the same time. The psychological explanation made sense on the surface, but how could she explain to him her own reasons for remaining silent? Sakura's friendship was precious to her. From elementary school to middle school, to high school and beyond, Sakura's happiness sustained Tomoyo like lifeblood itself. She had but to walk into the room, and everyone immediately knew it--the temperature rose by a degree, moods lightened, and the room seemed somehow brighter for her presence. It wasn't that she didn't /want/ to be with Sakura. Nothing would make her happier than if she and Sakura could have a life together, bringing each other that fulfillment that only deep, bonding romance could. In them I saw a longing for something Maybe I couldn't give you But if she tried, and failed, what would be the cost? Was it worth the risk of harming her friendship with Sakura, for the sake of what she might never be able to have? Said it's all in my mind "It ain't nothing" Would it be worth risking everything, if all she got was a few stolen kisses, and something to giggle nervously about together when they were older? Was it worth the risk of hurting Sakura, or taking her away from what made her happy, to tell her how she felt just once? Don't say that Don't say that Darling no Don't say anything at all Tomoyo decided, as she had so many times before, that the answer was no. What she hadn't told Eriol, what she'd seen no reason to point out, is that Sakura probably knew anyway. She was naive and dense, but a remarkably good judge of character. Tomoyo found it impossible to believe, given how long they'd known each other, that Sakura could /not/ know how Tomoyo felt. Because I've seen it now Can't pretend anymore "It ain't nothing" The only explanation, the only sensible one, was that Sakura /did/ know--and didn't feel the same way. And that rather than hurt Tomoyo's feelings, she simply didn't speak of it. That was fine--because even that painful truth made Tomoyo happy. It meant that Sakura cared enough about her feelings to spare them, and Tomoyo was willing to accept that. But it wasn't the same as telling her. It wasn't the same as taking Sakura's hand in hers, bringing it to her lips, whispering /aishiteimasu/, and watching Sakura's eyes light up with joy. It wasn't the same as walking together hand in hand and knowing that everyone else knew who and what they were, or holding each other in their arms after making love. Do you know what I mean? And have you seen it too? Do you know what I mean? Do you know? And I'll do anything Just tell me what it means Cause I can't live in doubt anymore Tomoyo's hands gripped the fabric of the dress tightly, her knuckles whitening. She squeezed her eyes shut to banish to image that leapt unbidden into her mind, but it did no good--it merely succeeded in squeezing a single tear out of eyes that she'd thought were dry. She jerked back as she felt the wetness, let it roll down her cheek rather than fall on the outfit she was working on. She would not cry--Sakura was in the next room, spending the night. She would not allow Sakura to see her like this. Do we try or should we just say goodbye Her mother had figured it out early on. She blessed it, of course, but was of the opinion that Tomoyo should either fish or cut bait--that if she wasn't going to tell Sakura, that she'd be better off leaving her to go her own way after high school. Tomoyo knew she meant well, knew that her mother only wanted to spare her the pain she'd gone through when Nadeshiko had married Fujitaka. If you'd rather be somewhere that's not here then you just gotta tell me Cause there's so much more to life than pretending In truth, she'd half-expected Sakura to be the one to break off the friendship. Not maliciously, because Sakura would never do anything malicious to hurt someone, least of all a friend--but on any one of the numerous occasions when Tomoyo had been a little /too/ enthusiastic with her professions of how wonderful Sakura was, in front of her. When they were younger, it had occasionally discomfited Sakura, which Tomoyo was grateful for--Sakura was so open about things like that, it let her know when she'd crossed the line. But as they'd grown up, throughough junior high and high school, Sakura had gradually ceased being put off by Tomoyo's displays. Was it that it didn't bother her anymore, or was she just getting better at keeping it inside? Don't you know Don't you know Darling for you I'd do anything at all Sakura had only to say it, and Tomoyo would do it. If Sakura had ever told her, "Tomoyo, this bothers me," Tomoyo would stop. If Sakura had ever asked her for anything, Tomoyo would give it to her if it were in her power. And if Sakura had ever asked Tomoyo to be hers, to any extent or in any capacity, it would be so before the words had time to pass her lips. Anything. I wanna be with you but that look in your eyes tells me something Tomoyo would do anything for Sakura's happiness... including giving up on her own. Do you know what I mean? And have you seen it too? Do you know what I mean? Do you know? And I'll do anything Just tell me what it means Cause I can't live in doubt anymore But it wasn't really giving up her own happiness, was it? If Sakura was happy, that made Tomoyo happy. She was the very embodiment of the word /setsunasa/--that simultanaeity of bittersweet happiness, the thing which was a source of both sweet yearning and pain. It was embroidered into her being as inextricably as the lace she set about assiduously sewing to the cuffs of the dress. I wanna know can you tell me I wanna know will you tell me is it hello is it good-bye At last, she was done. Tomoyo held up her handiwork and inspected it critically. No, a seam on the collar was misaligned; it would need to be redone. Fortunately, it was just a matter of ripping out the stitches and running that part through the sewing machine again. Tomoyo did so, letting the mindless automation of the work drive thought from her mind and dry her eyes. She was grateful for the dry eyes a few minutes later, as Sakura knocked once and opened the door without waiting for a response. "Sakura!" Tomoyo exclaimed. "Wait just a minute, it's /almost/ done..." I gotta know won't you tell me I gotta know you can tell me is it hello or just good-bye "I'm sorry," Sakura said sheepishly. "I know you don't like to be disturbed when you're working..." Tomoyo shook her head firmly, as if the very notion that Sakura could disturb her was absurd. "No, no, it's just that I wanted you to see it when it was finished... I'm afraid it's not my best work," she added with a pensive glance at the uneven stitching. "I'll need to tailor it a bit, of course." I gotta know can you tell me I gotta know will you tell me is it hello is it good-bye This didn't seem to matter one bit to Sakura, who stared at Tomoyo's latest creation with open-mouthed wonder. She rushed forward and felt at the silken texture, rubbed the lace between her fingers. "I don't believe you for a minute," she said insistently, her eyes fairly sparkling. "It's /wonderful/." I gotta know won't you tell me I gotta know you can tell me is it hello... Sakura set the dress aside and hugged Tomoyo tightly. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" She drew back and kissed Tomoyo on the cheek, taking her hands in hers. Tomoyo drank in the touch as if it were life itself, and committed the kiss to memory for all time. If Sakura never kissed her again, nor held her hands like this, Tomoyo would still feel complete, having known this moment. "Oh Tomoyo, what would I do without you? It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." Or just good-bye... Tomoyo smiled back at her friend. A thousand words passed through her mind, in every way she knew how to say them. /Daisuki desu. Aishiteimasu. Je t'aime. I love you./ Instead, however, she gazed at the dress, and smoothed wrinkles out of the white fabric. "That's good, because you'll be the most beautiful bride in the world."