Tearful Nights by rphjas rphjas@yahoo.com -------------- With wet lavender eyes, I look upon sparkling stars. Do I pray to a higher power? Do I whisper my fears and dilemmas to the night? I love her, and she loves me. But, my love is more mature than I am and also much more than hers. If I had the courage, I would one day tell her..in Penguin Park. I would whisper the three simple words. But, would she understand? Would she see through all of my masks and disguises? I sew every costume with stitches of pure love. I sing my songs to her with all of my heart. Does she feel the fabrics I weave..clinging to her slender form? Do her ears hear my songs of longing? I am afraid...afraid of rejection. Is it not better to be a friend than a stranger? Is it better to be in her world even a little than all alone? If I knew the future, I would know what to do. I would know the risk is worthwhile. But, I am still unsure. I have no confidence. Would she think me perverted..loving her like I do? Would she run away in revulsion? Would she? Why is my heart so torn? I see her each day in school. She lets me film her every day. I spend all my free time with her or doing things for her. I watch her videos again and again until I memorize each phrase and line of her figure. Her face leads me into the sleepiness of dreams. I hug my pillows..as if they were her. This starry night .. I wonder .. is she thinking about me? Is she dreaming of me? Do her cards quietly reveal my intentions..my feelings? I wonder if she will ever be..ever be able to love me. I would..I would give her my life..to save her own. But, how many times has she risked her own for my sake? The number is too high. Would it be better if I vanished..faded from her world? Each night, I am torn and wake up weary wrestling these questions. The uncertainty of the future is weighing me down. But, I manage to put on my cheerful mask each morning before I see her. She does not know. She can never know my nightly bouts.. One sleepover, she let me brush her hair..even hug her long and close. Surprisingly, she let me kiss her because she wondered why it was such a big fuss with the older students. Her energy pulsed through to my core. Her sweet taste lingered on my lips the entire night! Oh, I was so very happy. Even now, I can remember her soft full lips..the silk of her hair..the firm athletic body. Like some drug, I crave more. But so far, only that one night was so very special. I could not tape it. But, the memories are burned into me forever. Will hope be my lifeline..in the stormy seas of life? Will it help me persevere until she someday loves me..?