Dear Sakura After the Banquet by Amazoness Duo and G.P. amazonessduo@hotmail.com Tomoyo stood alone for a long moment, looking for all the world like a beautifully dressed up china doll. Her body was tired, sleep tugging at her weary soul with the help of a full stomach. But her mind was still busily going over things. The banquet really had been spectacular. It would have been nice to be closer to Sakura, but she looked very happy next to her husband. If only she had been able to bring her camcorder... Those would have been images she would have enjoyed watching again and again. Not only had Sakura been enjoying herself, something Tomoyo always loved to see, but she had looked simply gorgeous. With a sharp pang, she could remember the last time Sakura had looked so stunning. At her wedding. Tomoyo had taken hours to prepare Sakura for the big day. So she had thrown her all into making sure that Sakura looked perfect for her wedding. The dress had been of her design, the last complete costume she had made for Sakura. Part of her had been overjoyed to be a part of Sakura’s wedding, but the other part had felt like she was giving Sakura away. Like she was stepping away from her life. That Syaoran would now be the one to help the Cardmistress with all of her problems and joys. To protect her and give her the happiness that she never could. During those long hours that she had readied Sakura she had felt like she was saying goodbye. Yet here she was. A soft giggle lit the empty room. She should have known that escaping Sakura wouldn’t be quite so easy. Sakura had infiltrated her heart and soul, filling her thoughts and dreams completely. Everything she did, she did for Sakura. And now... Could she ever say goodbye again? Could she ever completely slip out of Sakura’s life? She had thought that it would be for the best. Sakura didn’t need her, after all, so it seemed less painful for everyone if she faded from Sakura’s life. It was too painful watching it all, knowing that the brunette could never know her heart’s desire. But now, after this visit to Hong Kong, she wasn’t so sure that she could fade from Sakura’s life so completely. She needed Sakura. Like a flower without sunlight, she would die without the warmth her best friend bestowed upon her. And after the miraculous kiss the night before, it seemed that Sakura’s feelings were more entwined with her own than she had thought. She still hadn’t completely understood why Sakura had shared in it as deeply as she had, but Sakura’s love had been unmistakable. What that love meant, Tomoyo wasn’t fully sure of either, but it seemed that she was still important to Sakura. And that knowledge made the idea of leaving Sakura’s life unbearably painful. She felt like a puppet, caught up in the strings Sakura had wrapped tightly around her soul. Everything Sakura did tugged at her, drawing her one way or another, making her dance for the amusement of her audience, always hoping that it would make the brunette happy. And so everything she did was for Sakura, but her smiling doll exterior hid the pain in her heart. For a brief moment, the lavender haired designer considered what Fanren had said. Loneliness consumed her, a constant companion that haunted her every waking moment and often caught her in the midst of even her happiest dreams. For once, it would be so nice not to wake up alone, crying in bed in a haze of lavender curls. Someone to talk to, to hold on to, to be able to share her inner turmoil. The idea was certainly tempting. Sakura would never be hers, of course. So why was she still giving her heart to a married woman that would never know her feelings? Everyone she knew was falling in love, finding their special someone. She had already fallen in love before any of them. But she was denied her special person. So while they were all building their relationships, Tomoyo was very much alone. The beautiful heiress to the Daidouji fortunes, wasting away as she kept her heart locked up and away from view. As Fanren had shown, it wasn’t impossible for her to find someone. A relationship would not be impossible. Besides, with her masks and perception she could easily manage a relationship. And for once she wouldn’t be completely alone. Fanren herself was an extremely pretty woman, and she was very kind. Spending time with her would be infinitely better than being alone. But there was one thing she couldn’t offer the Chinese beauty. Her heart. It didn’t matter if she could manage a relationship or not. Or even if she could find someone to be with. It was that her heart, her soul already belonged to another. She could never love her, or anyone else for that matter, with the same fervor, the same boundless passion that she held for Sakura. The Cardmistress was what made an eternity of loneliness seem livable. The very thought of her sent a surge through Tomoyo’s body, her hands going over her heart as the feeling that she always had when she was around Sakura shot through her. Yes, another relationship would never be anything more than an escape from the loneliness and a need for comfort. Her heart would always belong to Sakura. A small smile crossed the dark haired woman’s lips. If she had to be alone, it was worth it to be in love with her sweet best friend. “Sakura-chan...” she whispered lovingly. Watching Tomoyo from the doorway, Sakura found herself entranced by the almost ethereal beauty of her best friend. She really didn’t know how long she had been standing there. Blushing a bit, she realized that she had been staring the entire time. But oddly enough, Tomoyo didn’t seem to notice. The pale woman seemed lost in thought, far away from the dark banquet room in Hong Kong. Some of the thoughts seemed to be troubling her. Sakura wondered if Tomoyo was once again thinking about her special someone. The young designer thought about them often. They had to be an extremely lucky person to be in her thoughts so often. A soft sigh escaped Sakura as she leaned against the door frame. She couldn’t help being a little jealous about Tomoyo’s special person. When they were younger, it seemed that she was the one who was always in Tomoyo’s thoughts. She had been the lead in the play of Tomoyo’s life, always the center of attention to the slightly odd dark haired girl. And it had been very embarrassing at times. But she had enjoyed it immensely, knowing because of that that she was important to her best friend. It had always made her feel good. Special. Loved. She knew that she couldn’t be as important to Tomoyo anymore. After all, she was married herself and knew how important finding one’s love was. But she loved being so important to Tomoyo. Was she being selfish still wanting that? Tomoyo had grown up. Her special person was the most important person to her now. And whoever that person was, they were making Tomoyo sad. Which made the whole thing even worse for Sakura. The brunette had rarely ever seen Tomoyo sad. It was like those stormy blue eyes were always glowing warmly. The thought of Tomoyo being so sad like this left Sakura feeling weak and helpless. There had to be something, anything that she could do. Thinking back on things, it now looked like Tomoyo had planned on being alone from the beginning. That thought sent a chill down Sakura’s spine. How could such a loving, gentle girl like Tomoyo be alone forever? What had been the first clue? When they had bought materials to make teddy bears for someone special. Rika had made one (that she now knew had been for Terrada-sensie) and Tomoyo had explained how you were supposed to make one for the person you like. Sakura had been overjoyed at the prospect and hurried to get the materials. Strangely enough, Tomoyo didn’t buy any to make one for the person she liked. That had surprised Sakura who had thought Tomoyo would finally get to show her special person her feelings for them. But Tomoyo had explained that what she wanted the most was for her love to be happy, even if it wasn’t with her. Sakura hadn’t understood at the time, but Tomoyo was telling her that she couldn’t be with her special person so she couldn’t make them a teddy bear because she didn’t think they could return her feelings. The pale girl had only been ten at the time. Only ten years old. She should have been dreaming about when she would marry her true love, sure that everything would work out in the end. But Tomoyo had always been a little odd, and much of what she did only made sense to Sakura in hindsight. Tomoyo had known back then that she would be all alone. And Sakura hadn’t had a clue. Her heart sank in her chest at the painful realization. Was there anything she could have done? Was there a way she could have helped Tomoyo? It was heartbreaking to see Tomoyo alone after all these years. If the love that she showed Sakura was anything like the love for her special someone, then it must tear Tomoyo apart inside to be without them. Later, when everyone started dating, Chiharu once asked why Tomoyo wasn’t dating anyone. Tomoyo replied that she couldn’t date the person she wanted to so she felt that dating wouldn’t be right. Then she quickly added that it left in more time to videotape Sakura. Sakura had blushed at the time and had brushed it off, but now she felt horrible. Everyone had been so busy trying to balance relationships back then but Tomoyo had always been with her. She had been happy about that, but now she saw that she had been pouring herself into her own relationship right in front of Tomoyo, glad to have Tomoyo there, but not seeing how lonely it must have made her. Now Sakura had a dilemma. More than ever, she wanted to find Tomoyo’s true love and help her with it. It wasn’t right that Tomoyo’s beautiful love be kept locked away. But Tomoyo didn’t want her to find out for some reason. And Sakura wasn’t sure she wanted to know who it was. After that kiss they had shared in the garden, the thought of all of Tomoyo’s love going to another frightened her. Feeling that warmth encompass her, the kiss, the embrace, the gentle immersion in Tomoyo’s love, she didn’t want to let that go. She wanted it all for herself, not to see it all given to someone who couldn't appreciate her lovely best friend. Her emerald eyes shot open when she heard Tomoyo whisper her name. The sound of Tomoyo’s melodious voice quickly brought her back to her senses. Had Tomoyo seen her? A blush crept across her cheeks. She had just been standing there and staring for a while now. No, it looked like Tomoyo had just said it. But why? Maybe she wasn’t thinking about her special someone at the moment. Stepping forward, Sakura smiled. “You look so gorgeous, Tomoyo-chan! Syaoran’s sisters really did a great job. Not that you aren’t always pretty. You’re probably the most beautiful woman I know,” the brunette said quickly. Tomoyo smiled giddily as she saw the object of her thoughts approaching. “Sakura-chan must not look in mirrors very often,” she stated softly. She delighted in the blush it brought upon Sakura. No, there was no way she could truly love anyone besides the woman in front of her. But she wouldn’t have it any other way. To love Sakura was both the most wonderful feeling in the world and also the most painful. She had thought the pain would lessen as she grew older, but the loneliness only became more acute as time went by, her longing for Sakura growing stronger by the day. And now she had actually kissed Sakura. It had been Tomoyo’s first real kiss. That intimate moment with the Cardmistress had thrown off everything she had been sure about. Her visit to Hong Kong was supposed to help her distance herself from Sakura so she could fade away from her life. Now she felt even more attached. She had come with the intention of hiding her feelings for Sakura now that she was married, but they had burst forward in a torrential outpouring. She had been drowning without Sakura. She needed her just as surely as she needed air. Living without her was becoming more and more difficult. That all too brief moment with Sakura had been a tantalizing piece of Heaven. Giggling slightly, Sakura brushed some hair back from her shimmering jade eyes. “Most people save that sort of thing for the banquet, Tomoyo-chan.” “But if it’s equally true during the banquet and after, I should be sure to let Sakura-chan know,” Tomoyo pointed out. It took every ounce of her remaining strength to stand still as Sakura took both of her hands in her own. For a moment’s time, Tomoyo wondered feverishly if Sakura was going to kiss her again. Sakura was very close to her. The pale woman’s heart stopped in her chest as eternity seemed to stretch on endlessly before her. She ultimately dismissed the thought as wishful thinking. She had been lucky that Sakura hadn’t acted adversely to the first kiss. The fact that Sakura kissed back with nearly the same passion in Tomoyo’s heart made the event one she would both treasure and try to understand. Why had Sakura given so freely of herself? Why had she kissed back so lovingly? Perhaps she had misjudged how important she was to Sakura. If Sakura’s letters were any indication, the brunette missed her greatly. So was the kiss merely Sakura returning it with all of the love she held for her best friend and nothing more? But there had been so much behind the kiss. The entire thing sent Tomoyo’s head spinning. Sakura still didn’t seem to know that she was the object of Tomoyo’s affections, so she must not have understood completely why the toy designer had kissed her in the first place. Tomoyo understood Sakura better than anyone else did, but this was confusing her. She didn’t know how to act about it or what masks she should wear. If she could manage the strength to wear any at all. Sakura watched Tomoyo intently. Was the pale woman shivering? It was hard to tell in the dark. Squeezing Tomoyo’s soft, ivory hands gently, Sakura asked, “Tomoyo-chan, are you cold? Maybe we should go get you a blanket or something.” “No, I’m not cold at all. I feel very warm being here with you, Sakura-chan. You’re the bright, shining sun that lights up my world,” Tomoyo explained, her soft voice barely above a whisper. She brought her hands up, Sakura’s hands still holding onto them as she rested them on Sakura’s cheeks. She could feel the hot blush under the brunette’s cheeks and the soft feel of her skin. Tomoyo sighed happily, meeting Sakura’s eyes with her stormy blue ones. Yes, it was certainly nice to be with Sakura again, even if Sakura was married now. She was happy just to be there with her best friend. “Tomoyo-chan...” Sakura said quietly, unsure of what to say. Her heart was pounding in her chest like a drum, her feelings swirling inside her like a tornado. Why couldn’t there be some way for her to make Tomoyo happy? Tomoyo said she was happy as long as her special someone was happy, but there had to be some way to make Tomoyo happy herself. If she were the boy that Tomoyo loved, she would never be able to leave her all alone. She would be overjoyed to be the focus of all the love in Tomoyo’s heart. The chiming of an old grandfather clock nearby rang a reminder through her head. “Oh! I need to call one of the girls from the cheerleading club. I promised I would give her mother some information about it tonight.” Nodding, Tomoyo smiled sweetly at Sakura as her hands slowly trailed away from the brunette’s cheeks. “All right, Sakura-chan. Those girls are all very lucky to have you as their sensei. You were always so cute when you were cheerleading. I loved to watch you when I didn’t have choir practice. They’ll all look so kawaii training with you.” “Arigato, Tomoyo-chan. You always say such nice things. I’m really sorry for leaving like this. I’ll try not to take too long. I don’t want to waste any of the time we have together,” Sakura said hurriedly as she walked backwards towards the door. The two said goodbye before Sakura made her way back to her room. Tomoyo looked up at the stars sparkling in the sky above, like sparkling pearls resting on a huge velvet cloth. Yet for all of their beauty, they paled in comparison to her spirited best friend. Her thoughts kept returning to Sakura as she walked out in the garden under the moonlight. Thoughts of the night before continued to course through her, the sweet scent of Sakura and the warm feel of her lips lingering like a ghost in her mind. That sent another smile across her lips. She didn’t know if she should thank Touya or not for frightening Sakura about ghosts. She always loved how Sakura would grab onto her for comfort when she was scared of ghosts. These days she must do that with Syaoran. Thinking about Syaoran made her feel a little uneasy. Not because of him. She had grown used to him long ago. And she had chosen him as the one Sakura’s heart must belong to. But now she was starting to wonder about that, as well as Ieran’s words. Could it be that she had been wrong? Had she misjudged Sakura’s heart? She had taken into account that Syaoran had liked Sakura very much and that he would be able to take care of her and give her a child. And she seemed rather close to him. But had she made a terrible mistake? Syaoran always had difficulty with his emotions and that made things difficult with Sakura, who was a very emotional woman. She had been surprised to hear that Sakura had to leave to talk to one of the girls from school and not to go be with Syaoran. He hadn’t been around very much during her visit, but whether that was normal or because he didn’t want to get in the way during the trip, she wasn’t quite sure. And the kiss... The sounds of heavy breathing up ahead grabbed Tomoyo’s attention. Stepping forward past a tree, she spotted a Chinese woman around her age, still dressed in her beautiful dress as her legs whipped through the air as if fending off invisible attackers. “Hello, Meiling-chan,” she said pleasantly as she approached the black haired woman. Tomoyo could tell that the night's festivities had not sat well with her. Meiling looked rather upset, probably at seeing Syaoran and his new bride again. She knew how painful that could be. She and Meiling had been in the same boat, pouring out their heart to the one they loved but unable to have them. Of course, Meiling had taken a much more aggressive route than she had. And she had known that she couldn’t have Sakura for a very long time. It wasn’t until after Sakura had captured all of the Clow Cards that she realized she wouldn’t be the one to make Sakura happy. Meiling didn’t seem to realize that, at least not consciously. “Why do you put up with it?” Meiling asked, her leg sweeping through the shadows. The slit in her long dress shifted again as she kicked out. She was still upset about the dinner. She had been Syaoran’s fiancee for years, always by his side when he needed her, there to love him always. And then he ran off with some girl he met in Japan. She had not wanted to come tonight at all. Were they trying to rub it in her face? The only reason she had come was because Ieran told her to personally. Otherwise she was sure she could find something better to do than to spend all night watching Syaoran and his bride. Just about anything. “I mean, all this time you’ve loved her and now she’s married to my Syaoran and you’re still all smiles and warmth to her. I don’t get it. If you loved her back then, then why are you pretending like it’s no big deal?” “I still love her. I always will. I’m sorry about Li-kun, but I just want Sakura to be happy. Now that she’s married and starting a new life, I want her to know that I still care for her. I don’t want her to have to worry about how the marriage affected me or how I feel about her.” Tomoyo sighed as she steadied herself against a tree. “Besides, I can’t be angry with her. Or with him. As long as he takes care of Sakura, then I’m glad that they got married. Sakura deserves a happy marriage.” Meiling finally stopped her assault on the shadows, trying to catch her breath. She shook her head, clenching her fists. “But she hurt you. She ran off with some boy from Hong Kong. Leaving you all alone. How can you sit back and take it? I can’t believe Syaoran did it. He promised me...” Her amber eyes closed for a moment as she tried to calm down. She was not going to cry in front of Tomoyo. Today was bad enough without breaking down in the garden. Indulging her anger a bit, she found it easier to push the tears away. “Why is it all right for them to be happy when neither of us can be? Did things really work out the right way? I loved Syaoran so much and you loved Sakura and now we’re both left alone like discarded playthings. It feels like things worked out the wrong way. Why did we both have to get hurt in the end? Why couldn't we all be happy with the ones we love?” The garden was silent for a full minute. The pale heiress didn’t have an answer to Meiling’s question. There had been times when she was all alone that she found herself asking it to the sky above. There was never an answer. “I don’t know,” she said at last. Fate had done a pretty painful job of patching things up, leaving too many loose ends that refused to heal. She and Meiling seemed to be two more casualties in Fate’s work. Sighing, Meiling toyed with a large bracelet she had on. “Neither do I. I still don’t see how you can be happy for the both of them. I’m still pissed about the whole thing. I really did love him, Tomoyo. I can’t believe that he’d do this to me. Sakura didn’t know how you felt, but I made sure Syaoran knew everyday just how I felt about him. And he still went through with it. It’s not right that we both got left behind like this.” She smiled a little in the dark, pushing a pigtail over her shoulder. “I wish you had gotten Sakura. Then neither of us would be in this mess.” Returning the smile, Tomoyo hugged herself as the cold began to settle into her pale body. Meiling was suffering through the same pain she was, but like always, she was handling it differently. Almost like her mother. She smiled more at the thought. Of course, her mother never could have been angry at Nadeshiko. “Sometimes I wish I could have, too. Thank you, Meiling-chan. I’m very sorry about how everything turned out.” “Me too,” Meiling answered, looking out across the garden. Her eyes darted around the dimly lit area when she heard someone running towards them. It was Sakura, hurrying along. She crossed her arms and frowned. “Tomoyo-chan! There you are! I finally finished. I was wondering where you had gone off to. Oh, hello, Meiling-chan!” Sakura smiled politely as she reached the two dark haired women. From the distance, Sakura hadn’t been quite sure which was which. She had almost thought that Mirror had gone off as Tomoyo. “Hello, Sakura-chan,” Tomoyo said happily, smiling at the young bride. “I wanted to come back and take a walk in the garden. It looks like Meiling-chan had similar ideas.” Meiling brushed past Sakura as she headed for the door. “I really must be going. I should get home before it gets too late. I have some things I need to do tomorrow. Goodbye, Tomoyo! Enjoy your visit!” With that, she disappeared inside the house, leaving Sakura blinking after her. Watching the bewildered look on Sakura’s face, Tomoyo let out a sad sigh. She could understand Meiling’s pain and her anger, but she could never be angry at Sakura. Taking one of Sakura’s hands, she quickly smiled again. “Please don’t worry about it, Sakura-chan. Meiling-chan is in a lot of pain and she doesn’t know what to do about it.” Sakura nodded slowly. Meiling hadn’t been very pleased with her at all during her stay in Hong Kong. But Tomoyo was right. There was no reason to worry about it. “I’m glad I found you. I was wondering where you were.” “I’ll always be there if you know where to look, Sakura-chan. Even if it doesn’t seem like I am.” Tomoyo’s smile disappeared for a moment, her voice sounding earnest. A cloud seemed to pass over her stormy blue eyes for a moment before it faded away to be replaced with her nearly ever present smile. Standing with Tomoyo in the dark, Sakura felt her fingers intertwine with the toy designer’s. Tomoyo’s pale skin seemed to shine in the luster of the moonlight. “I found some photos you might like for your photo album, Tomoyo-chan.” Tomoyo smiled again happily. “I would love that, Sakura-chan. They are little frozen moments in Sakura-chan’s life that I can flip through whenever I want to see her again.” “Oh good! I hope you like them. Syaoran-chan and I were going to make an album ourselves some time, but we haven’t gotten around to it. I’d be happier if you had the pictures instead of them going to waste.” Squeezing Tomoyo’s hand, she led her best friend back inside.