Dear Sakura Darlest Before the Dawn by Amazoness Duo and G.P. amazonessduo@hotmail.com pearsong1954@yahoo.com Like a dolphin emerging from crystal blue water, Sakura exited a small changing room with her usual energetic spirit. She smiled beautifully into the camcorder capturing her image, looking only mildly embarrassed. Her cheeks reddened ever so slightly as she twirled with all of the grace that years of athletics had granted her, her pumpkin colored pleated skirt twirling with her. Like a professional dancer, her movement was smooth and captivating. The camera angle remained constant, a memory frozen in time. Sakura paused at last, smiling once again into the camera. Diamond tears sparkled nearly imperceptibly at the corners of her emerald eyes. After curtsying cutely, the brunette excused herself back into the cramped changing room. The camcorder fell to the side as its owner hurried near the small room concernedly. It had only been for a brief second, possibly nothing more than a trick of the mind. But if there was a single thing that Tomoyo could claim to be an expert in, it was the usually genki brunette on the other end of the door. “Sakura-chan, are you all right?” the camcorder’s owner asked worriedly, only a short distance from the door that separated them. Pale fingers moved in front of the camera’s line of sight, touching briefly on the wood frame, wishing that she could dismiss it to get to the girl inside. No, the woman inside. They weren’t children anymore. And she was no longer the one to share in Sakura’s feelings. If Sakura didn’t wish to tell her, then she had no right to pry. “Hai,” a shaky voice replied from inside, one obviously trying to cover recent tears. “I’ll be out in just a minute.” With a touch of a button, the images before her dispersed into darkness. Tomoyo sat in her dimly lit room, still staring at the now blank screen that had held the vision of her darling Sakura. It was from one of her last tapes, one she had taken during her trip to Hong Kong. And one of the most disturbing. What had gotten to Sakura? What had brought her sudden tears? It had only been the second day of Tomoyo’s visit and they had spent many hours talking the night before so it could very well have been a mixture of sleep deprivation and the shock of finally being with her best friend again. But Tomoyo had slowly begun to suspect something else as the cause of the tears. It had to do with her videotaping Sakura again, of that she was certain. Sakura had always been embarrassed when she would videotape her, but this time there had been something else as well. Almost a sense of relief from the gorgeous brunette, as if she was glad to be the focus of Tomoyo’s camcorder once more. The tears had looked so sad, so lonely. It tore at Tomoyo’s heart to know that they had to grace the Cardmistress at all. So what did this mean? On it’s own, perhaps nothing. But adding to it what had happened since and the sense of longing that had been present in Sakura’s letters as of late, Tomoyo could begin to make assumptions. She was on the verge of ruining Sakura’s life. And she had to jump ship before that happened or she would drag Sakura under with her. Sakura’s understanding of her feelings for Tomoyo had always been simple. Tomoyo was a good friend, someone she could trust with anything, someone she could always count on, someone who would always be there for her. In a way, she had never really seen Tomoyo. She hadn’t looked at her, seen her for who she really was. Tomoyo had always been behind the camera, and because of it, Sakura had never truly understood her eccentric best friend or the feelings that went along with her. But now it looked like Sakura was dangerously close to understanding those feelings in an entirely new light. Tomoyo had been dragged out from behind the camera by Sakura and could no longer hide. Sakura had finally seen Tomoyo, had finally really looked at her. That thought was deliciously exiting to Tomoyo, but it also set her on the verge of tears because she knew what deeper meaning it held. If Sakura began to see the love Tomoyo had held for her all these years, or worse, in some way returned these feelings, it would ruin her beautiful marriage and the wonderful new life she had begun. She would never be able to simply reject Tomoyo. Sakura could never bear to hurt her like that. It would slowly tear apart everything Tomoyo had prayed for in Sakura’s life. And so Tomoyo had decided long ago that it was best not to tell Sakura, that despite that promise from years long past, she would not explain to Sakura when they were older. It would only burden the brunette and cause difficulty for her, even more so now that she was married. Darkness surrounded Tomoyo, deep and all encompassing. She honestly didn’t know whether or not her eyes were open, only that they stung with fresh tears. A huge dilemma lay before her, and it had taken all of her strength to try and come to a decision. Her heart and soul argued over which course of action to take, about where her path should take her. For a time, she had found it nearly impossible, lost in the possibilities, surrounded by bittersweet memories that beckoned her to join them. Slowly, shakily, she had reached out and finally grasped onto her decision. Now all that was left was to see it through to the end. In the end, it came down to the most important thing in her life: Sakura’s happiness. And Tomoyo would gladly die for it. She would suffer whatever was necessary to safeguard the happiness of the one she loved. But this was the most difficult thing she had ever done in her life. Helping to get Sakura with Syaoran in the first place had offered her a momentary distraction from the depth of her own feelings, allowing her to concentrate on Sakura’s best interests alone. The marriage had been incredibly painful for her, but it had been tinged with the knowledge that Sakura would be embarking on a new life with the one she loved, and that had eased her pain. But this offered no solace. There was no escape from the pain this time. She merely knew that it had to be done. For Sakura’s sake, and for her own. Her gingerly crafted masks were beginning to betray her. Cracks had begun to spiderweb through her many masks after her recent contact with Sakura. They were slowly becoming undone right in front of her eyes. When Sakura had seen her, had actually looked at the girl that hid behind the normally smiling portrait of Tomoyo Daidouji, the masks she had hidden herself behind had slowly but surely begun to shatter, leaving her defenseless to the unbridled passion of her own love and unable to hide it from Sakura’s curious eyes. She could no longer handle the pain of watching the woman she loved happily married. Sakura’s happiness meant the world to her, but watching Sakura’s marriage was beginning to take its toll on the pale ghost of a woman. How could she have fooled herself into thinking she could sit by and watch it? Had she really thought she could quell the feelings in her own heart? It would have been easier to still her heart from beating than to keep the love inside at bay. She had been a fool to think that her masks would be able to hide her from the pain, to think that she could remain simply Sakura’s friend in a far off land as Sakura’s new life took her further and further away. Not just physical distance either. The dark haired girl was simply no longer necessary. At one point in time, Sakura had always come to her no matter what the circumstances. She had trusted Tomoyo with her fragile heart and Tomoyo had done her best to take good care of it, trying to set it on the right path. But now she had another to go to when she ever wanted for something. Her husband was now the most important person in Sakura’s life. Even then, Sakura still came to Tomoyo with surprising frequency. It was yet another reason for Tomoyo’s decision. She was standing in the way of Sakura’s marriage. She was an unnecessary link to Sakura’s past, holding the brunette back in the face of her own marriage. Syaoran was the one she should go to now. He was the one that should share her pain and heal her heart. It was no longer Tomoyo’s right to do so. Walking through the nearly pitch black room, Tomoyo hardly noticed the fire that shot through her hip as she struck something in the dark while walking. Ignoring it, the pale girl moved forward through the shadows. Had anyone seen her then, they may very well have mistaken her for a phantom, her pale features and tear streaked face appearing almost translucent in the dim moonlight. Her room, practically a shrine to her darling Sakura, now felt more like a tomb. Her delicate hands finally found what she was searching for, settling on the desk that had served her so well in the past. Whether making costumes, labeling videotapes, or simply practicing for choir, it had been a patient companion. These days, there were no more costumes to be made, no more videotapes to label, and no more choir to practice for. It held several slips of paper and a picture frame on it vast expanses. Collapsing weakly into the chair, Tomoyo burst into fresh tears, sobbing quietly in the darkness as she was assaulted by a fresh wave of agony. Was this the only way? Could she possibly find another solution? No, this was her last option. She had to go through with it. She couldn’t risk Sakura’s future any longer through her own selfishness. If she truly loved the other woman, she would have to see this through. That finally slowed her aching sobs, though it did nothing for her shredded heart. With intentional care, Tomoyo slowly continued to write the address on the envelope that lay before her, concentrating as best she could on each and every character. Sakura had told her that her writing was beautiful. She had to make sure that it was lovely for Sakura’s sake. Because Sakura deserved no less and she needed to make sure that Sakura didn’t think anything was wrong. If she was going to succeed, then she had to make sure that the letter didn’t worry her dear friend. Memories are such fragile things. They lay tentatively on the edge of one’s mind. Sometimes they would fade to protect their owner. Other times, time itself would take its toll on them, wearing them down into nothing. But there was something that existed beyond memories, not simply the images and feelings that were conjured about things from the past, but a deeper flame that could never be extinguished. Memories of the heart. Tomoyo knew that she could never forget Sakura, that the love in her heart would never fade away. But in many ways, that made it so much harder to continue forward. Even then, she would never want any of it to disappear. Her tapes of Sakura left her with a wonderful look back at the past, crystalline moments that she could treasure. They were an extensive documentary on the beautiful brunette spanning nine glorious years. Tomoyo was only sorry that they had to end now. She watched her tapes over and over, reliving the time spent with her beloved Sakura. And for an all too brief moment, they would be together again. Picking up an old costume design that she had never finished, Tomoyo began to write on the back, the words gushing forth as a dam inside of her finally burst open. ‘Dear Sakura-chan, As I sit here writing this, I see your beautiful face in my mind’s eye, your sweet smile sending ripples throughout the stormy ocean of my soul. I know that you may hate me for this, and though I could hardly bear the thought of you ever hating me, I know that I must go through with this. I’m not sure if I can explain why, but it doesn’t really matter. Please know that you have always been the most treasured thing in my life. I would never wish to hurt you. That’s why I have to say goodbye. Our time together in Hong Kong was like a gorgeous dream that I never wished to wake up from. Even though I must finally awaken, I will carry that dream with me always. Being with you was more magical than any of the Cards you have in your possession. Your true power doesn’t come from your magic or the Sakura Cards. It comes from the indomitable force in your heart. That power has always pushed you forward in life, and I was happy to be pulled along in its wake. Nurturing it and helping it grow inside of you always brought a smile to my lips. But now you have outgrown me. You no longer need my helpful hand in the way. Like a mother watching her child venture out into the world, it’s time that I let you go forth on your own. Please don’t worry. I know that you must be thinking it isn’t so, that there’s still some use for me. But I have seen you grow and mature into a beautiful woman. Strong, confident, courageous. Sweet, innocent, gentle. All of the qualities that so enamored me with you for all of these years. You no longer need my love and support to go forward. These are now within your own heart. When you need that extra bit of love and encouragement, I know you will be able to find it in your husband. So though tears dot this letter, please know that I leave you in capable hands. I have always trusted you with all my heart. I know that wherever your path in life leads, you will be able to handle the roads ahead with ease. Nothing can hold back the lovely and unstoppable Sakura-chan! I know that I promised you long ago that I would explain what I meant about the differences in our love when you were older. I’m sorry that I never did. I thought that it would only interfere with your life, with your feelings for Syaoran. I knew that you wouldn’t be able to reject me outright. Your heart is too kind for that. And in doing so, you may have ruined your chances at the marriage you now find yourself in. So I will explain right here, where there is no fear of the rejection you wouldn’t have put me through or the damage it could have caused. All is already said and done, so this is merely an afterthought, an explanation so perhaps you may understand your best friend a little better and why I acted the way I did for all of the years you’ve known me. Years ago, you were only a child of ten at the time, I told you that I loved you. You said that you loved me, too. It was so cute to hear you say that. You always were an extremely sweet girl, Sakura-chan. My heart swelled to hear your words, even though I knew you didn’t understand what I meant. I told you that our love was different, that I would explain when you were older. I’m sorry for taking so long to deliver my promise to you. Love is such a vast and varied thing. There are so many depths and intricacies that sometimes make it almost impossible to discern. I know that you yourself have had difficulty understanding the different forms of love in the past. Our love is very different from each other’s love. You love Syaoran as your prince, your one True Love, as your other half. You love me as your friend, your confidant, and as a sister. I love you as my prince, my one True Love, my other half. That is why I always wanted you to know how much I cared about you, why I tried to show my love for you in everything I did, even if you loved another. You are my special someone, Sakura-chan, the one who captured my heart so long ago. Videotaping you, designing costumes for you, even simply watching you filled my heart with joy. Love can be an extremely strong force and it has had me in its grasp for quite a long time now. I am lost to it, but I would never wish to be found if it meant giving up the warmth and delight that it offers me. Being in love with you has always been my fondest wish come true. To love someone so charming, so enchanting, is something that most people can only dream about. The way I looked at you, the way I fawned over you, it was always with love in my eyes. It never once mattered to me that you were a girl, though I know you didn’t understand such things with the puzzled look you gave me when I tried to explain my mother’s preferences. Sakura-chan is Sakura-chan. Brave, beautiful, generous, genki. I love you for who you are. I would never want to change you in the least. Images of you fill my mind, swirling like pictures in a kaleidoscope. I love you, Sakura- chan. Everyone loved Sakura-chan, so I was not at all surprised that someone else would eventually win your heart. I told you that I wanted my special someone to be happy even if they couldn’t be with me and I meant that. Your happiness means everything to me. If you truly love someone, if your heart belongs completely to them, then their happiness is truly your heart’s desire. Because you want the person you love to be filled with joy, to live a life that will be thrilling and fulfilling to them. I told you that I would be happy if my special someone returned my feelings, but that their happiness was what I wanted above all else. And that’s exactly how I feel. If you could be happier with someone else, if someone else could bring out the love in your heart, then that’s what I wanted for you. Even mother feels this way, though she doesn’t entirely understand it. When you were here, she explained that your father made your mother happy. Mother has strong feelings against your father because he took Nadeshiko-san away from her, but when she looks at you, she truly knows that Nadeshiko-san was happy and that calms her spirits. Because she loved Nadeshiko-san as much as I love you. Which is why I know she understands my feelings for you. What she didn’t understand is why I tried to push you towards Li-kun. I don’t know if you understand that or not, so I will try to explain. I wanted you to be happy above all else. I wanted you to fall in love with your prince, to have a happy marriage, to have beautiful children, to live your life to the fullest. I could tell that Li-kun was falling in love with you and that the two of you got along very well. You really were cute together. I wanted him to tell you and I tried to help him along, to get him to express his feelings to you. I know it wasn’t fair that I told him to tell you his feelings while I was silent about my own, but I thought that you could be happy with him. I thought he could be your one true love. As Kero-chan has said before, there’s no such thing as coincidence. He was your partner, your helper in Cardcapting. He protected you and was there alongside you while I was hidden away behind a camera, watching it all happen. He could give you a child, protect you, and love you. I thought that you felt something for him as well, so I tried my hardest to help the two of you along. My goal was to see Sakura-chan happily in love. I’m glad that I managed to help see that come to pass. Perhaps that was my part in Clow Reed’s grand plan, to help your heart grow and mature and to find the love you so deserved. You’re now the most powerful magician on the planet with a loving husband and an exciting new life. That makes me happy. I knew my wonderful Sakura-chan could accomplish anything. So now I must fade away from your life, my mission finally complete. Please know that I will always love you, Sakura-chan. That love will never fade. I will always be by your side, my heart and soul yours to command. They will always offer you their love and support. Please don’t cry for me. It makes me sad when Sakura-chan’s sad. Please smile and greet the new day knowing that your best friend got her dearest wish in just watching you. As long as you’re happy, I will be, too. Thank you so much for being my best friend, for letting me into your life. Leaving it is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I do so content in the knowledge that my sweet Sakura-chan is well taken care of. Farewell, Daidouji Tomoyo I’ll miss you so much, Sakura-chan.’ Stars sprinkled into Tomoyo’s room with barely visible pinpricks of light, vaguely illuminating the half finished costume design on the paper she had used to write her letter to Sakura. “Sakura-chan...” her broken voice choked out, another sob wracking her small body. Her hands went to her face, dark hair draping around her like a death shroud as strangled sobs escaped her lips. Her heart felt like broken glass, an antique accidentally knocked off a table by an overzealous child, unsalvageable except for several jagged fragments. Despair brushed its fingers through her hair, bringing its chilling shadow across her heart. “Sakura-chan...” she whimpered again, tears falling unheeded to the desk and the letter it held. What was she to do? How could she live without Sakura? A midnight black thought entered her mind in reply; how could she live her life with Sakura? She was close to shattering completely, the cracks in her façade already becoming evident. If she stayed in Sakura’s life, watched her love in her new life and marriage, it would undoubtedly kill her. She hadn’t understood how painful it would be as a child, hope still clinging desperately to her heart at the time. ‘I knew that Sakura-chan would come and rescue me,’ she had once said. No, this wasn’t her fairy tale. It was Sakura’s. Which is why she had to leave it so that Sakura could have her fairy tale ending and live happily ever after. No matter how much it hurt her to do so, she had to go through with it. For Sakura to live, she had to die. Her stormy blue eyes fought back another wave of tears as her body shook painfully. Her heart ached for Sakura, images of the brunette appearing vividly in her mind. “Don’t you make me happy,” her musical voice got out weakly before it broke. Numb fingers reached out slowly, grasping the letter in shaking hands. “No... I can’t send this to Sakura-chan. I can’t send this to her,” her gentle voice, no more than a whisper, seemed to disappear before it even reached the young heiress’s ears. She held it up in the dim light, barely able to make out the picture of Sakura in a costume or the painstakingly crafted characters in her letter. It was too sad. It would worry Sakura. She had to fade away from Sakura’s life painlessly, leaving the brunette as simply as a dream that disappeared when one tried to recall it. She held the letter tightly to her chest as she choked back another sob. Leaving the now crumpled letter on the side of her desk, Tomoyo pulled out a fresh piece of paper and began to start all over again. The thought that she would never see Sakura again cut into her heart like a knife, each breath burning her further. She had known this time would come for years now, but now that it was finally happening, its crushing weight made any step forward seem impossible. “I’ll never forget you, Sakura-chan,” she whispered, placing a soft kiss on a picture frame that graced her desk. The picture of Sakura smiled back happily, frozen forever in her expression of joy. With a swift movement that almost scared Tomoyo, she shattered the picture frame against the side of the desk. Glass fell quietly to the carpet, Sakura’s picture fluttering free to lay atop them. Tomoyo reached down, picking up the memory from years long past. She set it gingerly on the desk, her fingers trailing Sakura’s features in the photograph. How she wished she could step into the picture, to turn back all these years so she could spend them with Sakura once more. Even if things had to turn out this way, she would love to spend even one slim moment with Sakura before she slipped away forever. Her hand reached down again, picking up the biggest shard of glass off of the floor. She barely noticed as it cut into her palm, the warm blood trickling out over it seeming to be nothing more than a daydream. She had to leave Sakura’s life, she knew that. But how could she just tell Sakura that she was leaving her? How could she possibly write Sakura a farewell letter? The warmth of her blood slipping through her fingers felt so much nicer than the bitter cold that was wrapped tightly around her heart. She had to escape Sakura’s life for both of their sakes. She had to. Shaky fingers clutched the shard of glass tighter, it’s sharp edge driving deeper into the soft flesh of her hand. “Sakura-chan...” she whispered miserably. She couldn’t write the letter. She could never tell Sakura goodbye like that. It was too painful. She would just escape Sakura’s life now. It would be less painful for them both that way. Sakura would forget about her soon enough. She would be able to watch Sakura as her guardian angel, could keep an eye on her beautiful life from up above. “Forgive me, Sakura-chan. Please forgive me. I love you so much.” Her stormy blue eyes shut tightly, Tomoyo brought the jagged glass to her wrist and concentrated on the brunette as she felt the wet shard press against soft skin. Tendrils of darkness and despair snaked out, wrapping tightly around her heart. This was the only way. Sakura would wake up from her dream named Tomoyo soon enough. And she would be happy in her new life. If she didn’t do this, Sakura’s beautiful life would come tumbling down, crushing the girl that Tomoyo loved so dearly. Her pain was almost over. Just another few minutes... The shard of glass fell silently to the floor, a small trail of blood following it. Some crimson ran down Tomoyo’s wrist, pooling on her desktop. Her head slumped to the desk as she began to cry again. She couldn’t. Not yet. The thought of her mother finding her, cold and dead had hit her like a shockwave. She couldn’t put her mother through that. Sonomi had already lost so much. That would be terribly cruel to her loving mother. Even worse, the knowledge that Sonomi would call Sakura to the funeral sent a terrible chill through her. She wanted to die to protect Sakura, to escape this pain, but that would only serve to hurt Sakura even more. No, she had to wait. She would be moving out in several days. She would go someplace far away and disappear from Sakura’s life forever. “So there you are, Tomoyo-chan. I was beginning to think you’d fallen asleep in front of another of your videos again,” Sonomi teased, smiling at her lavender haired daughter. Tomoyo looked paler than usual this morning for some reason. Her stormy blue eyes looked distant, their normal sparkle gone. The head of the Daidouji household gasped when she saw the bandage around Tomoyo’s right hand and left wrist. “Oh, Tomoyo-chan! What happened?” Bolting up, the normally overcautious mother hurried to her daughter’s side. Patches of red shown through the bandages covering her daughter’s delicate hand. Tomoyo was still a little shorter than Sonomi but it took all of the older woman’s self-restraint not to kneel down as she had when Tomoyo had been a little girl. Tomoyo smiled softly, but the smile didn’t meet her eyes. The dark, stormy eyes looked dead, their depths dark and unyielding. Part of that frightened Sonomi. Her daughter hid so much but she had always managed to see past her masks and into those very emotional blue eyes. They were the same as Sonomi’s own eyes, part of the reason she suspected that she could see through to her daughter’s true feelings. But this time it was as if there was nothing behind them or as if they were completely cut off to her. “It’s all right, okaa-sama. I just hurt myself last night. I was trying to clean up some glass after I accidentally knocked over a picture frame in my room. I shouldn’t stay up so late watching my Sakura-chan videos. I get so tired that I have a hard time concentrating.” Inspecting the hand, Sonomi bit her lower lip. There was something about all of this that worried her, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. Sighing, she let go of Tomoyo’s injured hand at last. Her fingers brushed back some of Tomoyo’s lavender hair. “All right, but I want you to go see a doctor about that later. I don’t want anything bad to happen to your lovely hand because of some glass.” Nodding in agreement, Tomoyo held the letter in her other hand tighter. “Hai, okaa-sama. I’ll go to the doctor later today then.” Sonomi watched with growing unease as Tomoyo walked out to the mailbox with the strange letter held tightly in her other hand. It didn’t seem like Tomoyo to be so out of it. Her eyes usually had a beautiful sparkle in them, her beautiful smile an entrancing quality to it. Just what had happened to her little girl? Tomoyo stood in front of the mailbox with the letter half in. Her pale fingers refused to let go of the letter they held. Her heart argued painfully against her still unsure mind. This was it. This was the last contact she and Sakura would ever share. After this, she would be all alone. Forever. “Goodbye, Sakura-chan,” Tomoyo whispered. Her heart screamed out in agony as the letter fell in. Closing her eyes, the dark haired heiress held herself tightly. Her body shook lightly as she stood there. The midmorning sun should have felt refreshing, but her body felt like it was encased in ice. She had to wonder if she had done the right thing. As long as Sakura was happy, it wouldn’t matter. Arms wrapped around her cold body gently, pulling her tightly into a hug. “Okaa-sama...?” she asked weakly. It wasn’t until she felt Sonomi’s fingers brushing away her tears that she realized she was crying again. “Mother..!” She grabbed onto Sonomi with all of her strength, breaking down in tears in the embrace of her mother. Sonomi held Tomoyo, whispering soothingly as she patted the younger woman’s back. “Oh, my baby girl... My poor baby girl,” the heartbroken mother whispered. She held Tomoyo’s head on her shoulder, closing her eyes as she continued to rub the lavender haired girl’s back. Tomoyo’s body shook against her as her daughter was wracked with sobs. ‘Oh, Nadeshiko-chan... This can’t be how things have to turn out. This can’t be. Why my baby girl? Please... Please give me an answer, Nadeshiko-chan...’