I traveled round the world 
Looking for a home 
I found myself in crowded rooms 
Feeling so alone... 



    A figure caught her eye as she was turning back to the counter.  For a second she caught her breath, hope springing up
unbidden, but she was to be disappointed once again when the woman turned.  The skin was far too dark...the hair was similar,
but not quite the right shade.  She was not the one. 
    Sakura was about to turn away again when she realized that the woman was also looking at her.  Looking at her with raised
eyebrows and a startled expression that quickly transformed to disappointment as she watched. 
    Then green eyes met green. 
    Something passed between them.  A sense of kinship, a recognition of some kind.  She made as if to rise but the other
woman gestured for her to remain seated and approached her instead. 
    She felt a lump in her throat.  The young woman moved with the unconscious grace of a true lady.  She might have been a
princess, she moved with such fluidity...it was a joy to watch her.  Her hair flowed down her back in soft waves. 
    For the life of her, Sakura couldn't help but be reminded of someone else. 



Substitute for Love
By Janice
sparkle@animefan.org


    "Are you...waiting for someone?" asked the woman a little hesitantly. 
    "Well...not exactly," said Sakura.  She smiled a little.  "Would you care to join me?" 
    "Thank you."  Her voice was low and well-modulated, a lovely voice.  She spoke with formal politeness, reinforcing the
image of a princess in Sakura's head.  Still, she thought, I prefer higher voices.  High, sweet, voices...  She cut off the
thought cleanly and sharply, as one who has had much practice might do. 
    The door opened and Sakura looked up quickly, a reaction that had become almost as instictive as breathing. 
    And perhaps almost as necessary. 
    Strangely, the other woman looked up simultaneously, with a movement almost identical to Sakura's.  The two of them
squinted at the figure outlined in the doorway, and then each turned away with a sigh.  Then their eyes met again and they
smiled ruefully at each other. 
    "Have you always worn your hair long?" the woman asked.  The question was sudden, but somehow neither abrupt nor
jarring.  It seemed like the most natural question in the world. 
    Sakura put her hand self-consciously to the hair that fell down her back in a straight auburn curtain.  "No," she said quietly.  I
used to wear it in a short, pixie cut all through school.  But I haven't cut it in a long time.  Someday, I'll cut it short again." 
    "Someday, when you find...her?"  The questioning inflection was slight but unmistakable. 
    Sakura nodded slowly.  "Does...she have long hair?" she asked. 
    After a pause, the other woman nodded in turn.  "She...did...the last time I saw her, anyway.  Long and straight, like yours. 
But hers was lighter than yours." 
    "You move with the same unconscious, gentle, grace that she did," said Sakura.  "You don't really look like her, though her
hair was long and wavy like yours, but you...you *feel* a little like her, somehow." 
    The woman nodded again, as slowly as Sakura had.  "I'll bet you were athletic in school," she said. 
    Sakura smiled a little.  "Does is show?" 
    "Oh, in the way you move, in the way you carry yourself...the little things." 
    "She was always very observant, too.  She used to amaze us all.  Sometimes it seemed like she knew everything," Sakura
said reminiscently.  The door opened again and once again both women looked up in unison.  "I guess I've become the
observant one, now."  A thread of irony edged her tone.  "I certainly wasn't then, and I paid for it."  A sigh escaped her lips. 
"Why is it that we truly don't appreciate the most wonderful things in our lives until they're gone?" 
    The woman's hand covered hers comfortingly, her skin dark against Sakura's comparative paleness.  "I don't know," she
said sorrowfully.  "I don't know." 

*    *    * 

    Sakura pulled closer to her in the darkness, running her fingers through the long, soft hair.  "I'm afraid," she whispered. 
    "Of what?" 
    "Of finding her.  What if..."  It was hard to say.  "What if she's found happiness with someone else?  It was so long ago.  I've
changed.  I'm not the same person I was then...and she won't be either."  A tear escaped from her eye and ran sideways down
her face to hide itself in the pillow.  All of her fears were pouring out of her now.  "Why have I spent my life chasing a dream? 
What if...what if she doesn't love me anymore?  What if I only disrupt her life and make her unhappy by finding her?"  Her
voice dropped to a whisper. 
    "What if...what if I never find her at all?" 
    The arms around her tightened, and she felt as though they were the only things holding her together.  Without them, she
thought, she would shatter into a million pieces. 
    The low voice hovered in the darkness.  "I know," it said softly.  "I know." 




Lyrics at the beginning are from Madonna's "Substitute For Love", from her CD, "Ray of Light".  The characters
belong to the creators of the series "Card Captor Sakura" and "Utena", respectively... and respectfully.