WARNING: Yes, a fic with a warning. This isn't your run of the mill episode here. This one will be slightly, if not very depressing. The email address is the same, Saturn_Knight@hotmail.com for those of you who wish to email me, but don't send me hate mail, because it'll be deleted. *************** "Where did we come from? Why are we here? Where do we go when we die? What lies beyond? And what laid before? Is anything certain in life? They say 'life is too short,' 'the here and the now,' And 'you're only given one shot.' But could there be more? Have I lived before? Or could this be all that we've got? '…Move on be brave! Don't weep at my grave! Because I am no longer here. But please never let your memory of me Disappear…'" Dream Theater: "The Spirit Carries On." "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the passing of one of God's children." The day was overcast, gray and simply miserable. The angry sky rumbled with fury as the small group crowded around an open grave, in direct defiance of the chill. The figures, huddled around site, stood in somber, detached silence as the priest continued to speak. " 'The lord is my shepherd; I shall not want…' We commit thee, Hotaru Tomoe back to God's earth, though the body is only a vessel, and you, such a lovely child, are in the hands of God once more. 'Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,' so it has always been and it always will be" He stepped forward, dropping a single rose on the lid of the coffin, and motioned for the others to do so as well. The senshi approached one by one, standing before the simple stone that marked her final resting place; an angel with its wings wrapped around a small child, and murmured their final goodbyes to the lacquered coffin lid. "We'll miss you, Hotaru…" Ami said as she crouched down and released the rose, allowing it to fall above the priest's. "I'm sorry I never got to know you better," Minako sighed, she too allowing the brilliant red rose to drop into the grave. "It won't be the same without you, Hotaru…" Usagi stood by the edge of the six- foot deep, rectangular hole; Chibi was by her side. Both of them relinquished their roses at the same time, Usagi turned to let Chibi stand a moment longer. "I'll miss you, Hotaru…you were my best friend. I never met anyone like you, and I know I never will. You…" she paused, shaking her head and trying to swallow the lump that creeped into her throat. "You can never be replaced…" Her eyes closed, tears finding the way down her cheeks, only to fall, unheeded, onto the lid of the coffin. 'Why?' Chibi thought to herself. 'WHY!? It's not fair! She didn't do anything! She wasn't a bad person anymore! It wasn't her fault before! SHE CHANGED!! DO YOU HEAR ME?! SHE CHANGED!!!' She began to shake with anger, her small hands curling into fists as she glared at the carving of an angel that watched over a nearby grave. 'Why did you take her?! WHY!? All her power- all our power and we couldn't do anything to help her! What good are we if we can't even protect each other!? How are we supposed to protect the world? This is ridiculous…' Chibi was beginning falter, shaking hard enough now that the other Senshi noticed, and Usagi slowly approached her. "Come on…the other's need to say goodbye to her too. We all miss her," Usagi too was crying, though not as uncontrollably as Chibi. The child didn't move, as much a statue as the stone monuments that stood silent vigil over the dead. Slowly, red, swollen eyes met Usagi's and Chibi opened her mouth to speak, but couldn't for a moment. "Shh…" Usagi's finger moved over her daughter's lips, signaling her not to talk. She had never seen her like this before, so angry, so…frightening. "WWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYY!!!!???" her piercing wail echoed, rebounding off the tombstones, making the sound redirect to the people who stood between them. Soon it sounded like the angels themselves were screaming in agony. The ride back to home was quiet, uneventful. 'I'm glad she's at least quiet now,' Usagi thought to herself, looking over at the sleeping child that rested in her lap. 'I thought we were going to be kicked off the plane on the way back here. She was glad the people were sympathetic, even if annoyed and distressed at the hysterically crying child who only ceased her sobbing after she fell asleep. "I didn't know she'd take it this hard." Ami whispered to Usagi who only sighed and nodded, though both of the older senshi's eyes were puffy from tears, they had nothing on the pink haired girl. "It's so sad…I never knew she cared about Hotaru this much… they were very good friends, now that I do think about it." Usagi nodded to Ami for a fraction of a second before her eyes went wide. Hearing Ami talk about Hotaru in the past tense finalized it as her being gone. Usagi winced visibly and pulled her daughter tighter into her body, suddenly wanting to be comforted, though Chibi didn't awaken. "Ami…god, why did you say that?" Usagi narrowed her eyes at Ami even though she knew that she wasn't angry at her, hissing through her clenched teeth, "Why?" "I…I'm sorry Usagi, but all I said was that Hotaru and Chibi were-" she cut off, suddenly realizing just what she had said and her hand covered her mouth. She didn't need to say anymore. She didn't have to. They spent the rest of the long ride from the cemetery listening only to the rain patter down, and Chibi's steady breathing as she slept. 'You must be exhausted,' Usagi thought as she brushed aside some of the girl's hair. 'I've never seen you cry like that, and this much before…let alone scream that loudly. You must really care about her, huh?' She refused to talk about Hotaru in the past tense, it tore her too much to even begin to. 'She's lucky to have a friend like you…' "Usagi….Usagi? We're home now," Usagi looked up quickly, realizing they were now at Makoto's house, where they would be staying to keep each other company. "Do you need a hand with her?" Ami gestured to Chibi, she was the only one who didn't head quickly inside, not because of the angel's tears that streamed from the heavens, soaking the world beneath, but because they were too numb to know any better. Only Ami's hard wired sense of responsibility and courtesy remained. "Huh? Oh, no, I've got her…" Usagi placed both legs out onto the ground, before standing; the cold, but comforting rain began to trace over her face. "Let's get inside." The door to the car was closed by Ami, as Usagi needed both hands to carry her daughter, who was too out of it to even place her arms around her mother's neck. 'God, she's such a dead weight…' A stabbing pain in Usagi's head brought to her a sudden halt. She leaned her back against a soaked pillar, to keep herself upright. Her mind forced the replay of the scene at the funeral, where they stood gathered around Hotaru's grave. Only this time, she was watching herself, and the others, in third person. Watching herself stand crying, Usagi felt a direct chill, slithering down her spine before turning to the stone on the ground. It was blank. The angel carved onto the gray stone suddenly turned its eyes and head to face Usagi who gasped in fright. It began to mouth silent words to her, though she couldn't make them out. 'I…I don't understand!' She thought trying harder to read the lips of the angel. "Love is stronger than death… Love is stronger than life… Don't let her grief over come her… Love her…" Hotaru's hushed voice clearly sounded, whispering though Usagi's ear, causing her to jump, and look around frantically, but the only thing she saw now was Ami, who had her hand on Usagi's shoulder. "Usagi! Are you ok? Get inside before your d-- catch a cold." She began to lead her inside, oblivious to Hotaru's warning that carried itself on the fridged air. Seisen floated through the swirling darkness, unaware of the creature that was stalking him through the endless depths of the portal.. Unbeknownst to him, he was floating back to the astral plane, by nothing more than dumb luck, but the monster trailing him intended to stop this. It's tendril flared quickly at the youth, intending to entangle him and draw him closer to itself to pull him from the sanctuary of the darkness. However, at that moment, Seisen's eyes opened to see the imminent collision, but managed to turn his body vertically so the tendril would only slam into his chest, not grip him like the creature wanted. The impact of the blow sent the youth spinning head over heels out of the portal and onto the ground of the astral realm, leaving the furious cry of the creature to echo in his ears, just as his hand closed around the Silence Glaive. It began to shimmer in response to his touch, but soon darkness was all he saw. Waking in the still, flame lit darkness, Seisen sat up. His body was healed, he was whole again…he glanced to the glaive by his side, which just shined knowingly. "Thank you, Hotaru…" he mumbled under his breath before a single tear streamed down his face, he could feel in his heart that the girl was dead, which meant he had very little time. He stood up, grabbing the glaive in his hands, and began to run quickly down the path to the afterlife. Makoto's house was deathly silent, the senshi sitting around the living room staring at the rug in the middle of the floor. Nothing stirred the quiet, besides the sound of the girls' breathing. A breeze floated on the thick air, chilling Usagi down to her bones, though none of the senshi seemed to notice the sudden icy whisper that ran it's fingers through Usagi's hair. "Remember…" Hotaru's hushed voice murmured to the girl, "Remember…." "Remember what?" she said aloud, causing the rest of the inners to look at her, as the others chose to heal in their own way. Four sets of red eyes looked to Usagi, though no one spoke to her. Assuming she was just thinking aloud they dismissed it and went back to looking at their own feet. Chibi stirred in Usagi's lap, sitting up and glancing to her mother, "Did you hear her too?" Seisen stood at the foot of the bed, having successfully managed to prevent Hotaru's passage into the afterlife by mere moments. He sighed, sitting down on the chair, exhausted. "If I had been a second later, you would have gone…I'm glad I know my way around the plane," he spoke to her, though she was asleep, just to break the uneasy silence. "You see, when you die your spirit returns here, to the astral plane. You are here physically, like I told you before, since your spirit makes you whole here." Seisen knew he was only talking to himself, but it was that or listen to the burning of the torches. "I found you before you wandered your way into the afterlife…some people find their way back to the realm of the living, which is why they are ghosts because they have no body and don't want to be completely dead. So, I stopped your spirit from entering and losing you forever…now all we have to do is find a new body for you, or have you reborn… that's going to be hell, let me tell you…we'll worry about that later, just relax…" Chibi sat in the tub of Makoto's bathroom in the now cooling water. She had been in there for almost two hours, though she hardly noticed the time. Her skin was wrinkling, her mind was wandering and her heart was aching. She didn't want to move, she didn't want to think, she just wanted to be with Hotaru again. "Chibi…? Are you OK in there?" Usagi asked as she gently knocked on the door. The blonde was more worried about her daughter than she let on, Hotaru's words echoed still in her ears, but she didn't understand what they were meaning to tell her. "Yeah….I'm ok, I think I want to get out now." Chibi said, standing up and letting the water drip from her body as she pulled the drain plug from the bath. She watched the water swirling down the drain, but somehow in her mind she pictured crimson swirls of blood draining down the hole. Her blood. She glanced away quickly. "Ok…you have your pajamas and everything? We're going to sleep in the living room, on the sofa…Minako, and Rei will be sleeping in Makoto's room, so we're sharing with Ami." Usagi leaned her body against the door, her fingertips tracing the pattern of the wood grain as she waited for Chibi to answer her. "Yes…" was the only response Chibi gave as she began to towel off, though the edge of the fabric was caught in the drawer. She sighed as she pulled it open and removed the towel piece, and just as she was about to close the drawer, a small black object caught her eye. Reaching in, she removed the black cylinder, which upon further inspection revealed itself to be a box cutter; the razor still protruding from the top. Chibi's mind flashed once more to the vision of her blood flowing down the bathtub drain as she looked over the glint of the steel's edge. "Hotaru…" she said softly, numbly running her finger over the blade, not so much as wincing as it tore easily through her skin. "I'll see you soon…" she shoved the blade into the pocket of her pajama pants and continued to dry herself off. It was almost 1:00 AM before Usagi finally fell asleep. Ami had been resting for almost an hour before hand, though Chibi was still awake listening to the thunder rolling in the distance. The child had been sitting in silence the entire night, weighing the pros and the cons of the razor in her hand, and though terribly frightened she had chosen to indeed go through with it. The chill in the air was undeniable as the child walked her final, self imposed mile down the dark, lonely hall towards the bathroom; she wanted to do it in the bathtub, where she wouldn't make a mess for Makoto. Flipping on the light switch, Chibi was instantly blinded by the fluorescent daggers that sought out her dilated pupils and paused a moment to let her eyes adjust to the brightness. "I'll be with you soon, Hotaru…" she whispered to herself as she closed the door behind her and made very sure it was locked before she took a look at herself in the mirror. Red, tired eyes stared back at her, alabaster skin stained with the tears that have since run dry. The child sniffled, wiping her nose with the back of her hand and stepping over to the tub and sitting herself in it. It was cold. She shivered lightly in the tub, though she chilled even more when she rolled up her left sleeve, since it was closer to the heart she figured that it would bleed faster. "I'm sorry mom…everyone," she whispered to herself as she extended the end of the blade to full length. As she placed the razor's edge to her skin, she hesitated a moment. It would hurt, she knew very well, but it was better a moment of physical pain than a lifetime of agony. "I'm sorry…" the girl whispered again before pressing down on the handle of the box cutter and driving it as deep as it will go into her soft skin. White hot pain seared her body as the deep, crimson liquid began to pour from the small wound on her wrist…it would take too long. Gathering her courage, she roughly pulled the blade up her arm, moving toward her elbow rather than horizontally across her wrist, as it would slice the entire vein rather than just a portion of it. With every centimeter of her skin that tore, it allowed more blood to freely drop into the tub, the tiny globules soon becoming thick, morbid river that washed her life down the drain. Unable to take any more pain, Chibi dropped the box cutter with a loud clatter against the tile floor, sending a few droplets spraying across the white tile. The sound transmitted easily through the thin walls of Makoto's house, causing a few of the senshi to awaken. Sitting up in the darkness, Ami rubbed her eyes and stretched; the clock read almost 1:15 in the morning. "Who is up at such an hour?" she whispered to herself, though as she stood she realized that Chibi Usa was missing. "Leave it to her to wake the house…just like her mother." Ami said aloud, pausing to look over the sleeping Usagi, "That isn't necessarily a bad thing though…" Shaking herself free from the stare she had placed on the senshi of the moon, Ami began to head in the direction of the noise. Ami stepped quietly through the house, and when she reached the bathroom door, she knocked softly on it, "Is everything ok? I heard a loud noise…" This startled Chibi, who turned to look at the door a moment, but the room began to spin. She didn't care anymore, she could hardly focus on anything; not what she was leaving behind, only what she was going to. Her vision continuing to blur, the child forced her eyes open a last time, and in her disorientation saw her best friend leaning over her. Hotaru's violet eyes were of great comfort to the dying girl, and as she felt a hand running through her hair, she knew everything was going to be over soon, and she wouldn't have to feel anything else. "Shh….Chibi," the soldier of Saturn whispered to her, caressing her face with her pale hand, "Just a moment or two longer." Hotaru felt selfish…she felt ashamed, and dishonorable for doing this. She knew she should have stopped her friend from killing herself, but she couldn't. Hotaru wanted Chibi to be with her. She wanted to see her again, to feel her touch, to know that she wasn't alone in the darkness. Seisen was someone to talk to, yes, but it wasn't the same. Nor had the man stopped her from coming back to see Chibi, which led Hotaru to believe that this was OK with him as well. "What will happen…?" Chibi mumbled the girl who still stood over her, finding it very difficult to talk. Her body ached all over as the muscles began to seize, leaving her to sit stiffly with her friend. Hotaru didn't say anything to her, simply shook her head and leaned down, nuzzling the smaller girl's face with her own. Chibi shakily raised her bleeding hand and touched Hotaru's lips with her fingers, causing a smear of blood to run across them. "Please…" Chibi said, touching her lips again. The raven haired child nodded to her friend and tilted her face to the side. Just as her lips met Chibi's, the door unlocked seemingly of it's own will. "Chibi?" Ami called, though she wasn't heard by either of the two in the room. Hotaru wrapped her arms around her friend's body and hugged her tightly. Chibi shuddered a moment, taking a final deep breath before growing still; dying wrapped in Hotaru's arms never breaking their kiss. "Chibi, I'm coming in." Ami said again, and the door slowly opened. The sight that Ami witnessed that day would never be forgotten. Hotaru, completely restored in her beauty sitting on the ledge of the bathtub holding a bloody child in her arms. The raven haired ghost turned to look at Ami slowly, her lips smeared with blood, giving her an even more macabre appearance. "Goodbye Ami…tell my parents I say the same. I'm sorry I'm so selfish…" and with that, she faded from sight as Ami began to scream as loud as she could. "So how does it feel, little one?" "H-…how does what feel? Where am I?" "How does it feel to be dead?" "I'm….dead?" "Yes…you and Firefly…only there's a problem…" "Problem….? I don't understand." "……thou shalt not kill."